also referred to as T.P.S. (Toddler Penis Syndrome)
I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
i just overheard my mom tell my dad he should drink less so he could hit the right hole
connan obrien reminds me of an asparagus spear
Just stepped in shit. Not sure if its mine or the dog's. Get some of our friends on the way back from work and just have the intervention now. I will totally understand.
I'm at the grocery store buying monistat and corn nuts. thank god for self check out.
Maybe I need a light up heart over my vagina like Christina aguilera to get the point across
I already brushed my teeth, and it's not even noon yet. Today's going to be a productive day.
I just called my cat a slut and she responded. Proudest moment ever.
this is what happens when you pick a roommate a year in advance.. she ends up hating you for hooking up with for of her extended family members
Just had to hide the fact that I'm not wearing underwear from my 7 year old niece.
He was humming "here comes Peter cottontail" while unbuttoning his pants. Happy Easter to me
I feel like these arent even my fingers anymore
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
So what did you do since you didn't go out?
...ate chocolate and watched bring it on....it's like I don't even know what it would look like to be straight.
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