so the plumber came, he found condoms, feathers and glitter in the pipes.
OMG A WOMANS PROSTETIC ARM JUST FELL OFF AT BAGGAGE CLAIM
I swear I only do things like fuck 19 yr olds just to hear how you laugh when I tell you.
It's one of those days where you order the free Papa John's pizza so the delivery guy can bring you Coke to go with your rum. The tip was more than the order.
The last time I saw you, you were rolling around on the ground at the bar.....
.....well it was bound to be an interesting night since I was chasing my pulls with pulls....
Shit. I'm suppose to call the bank but I'm too high to talk numbers.
Going to the ER, I'll explain later but apparently drunk me isn't allergic to peanut butter.
I'm going to start using the hurricane naming system for my hangovers. Hangover Agatha is a real bitch today.
You threw up on his face 22 hours ago and now he's here holding your hand. I think he likes you.
and idk now I have nine bags of lettuce in my fridge
Just had a threesome with my best friend and LSAT teacher...just checked three things off my bucket list in one night
I wasn't going to drink tonight, but was reminded this is the anniversary of prohibition being repealed. If I don't, then I am against my profession of bartending and anti-American, right?
He stopped me mid-blow job to say that his new year's resolution was to stop hooking up. MID FUCKING BLOW JOB.
my alarm on my phone broke at the bar sooo i had to sleep with someone so i'd wake up on time for work.
I'm going to get him a gold star sticker and put it on his dick
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