Michael Jackson had a heart attack when he found out boyz to men was a music group not a delivery service.
Got bored today and made list of places in apt I want to have sex. One includes opening and coming out the window.
If I die, please delete the word file entitled "Rainy Day"
we turned studying into a drinking game, she drinks when she gets it right, i drink when she gets it wrong. so we'll be out soon
You tried to poop in the sink last night.
At home depot. Final room inspection is tmrow, gotta paint over the puke stains
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
SURVIVAL MODE. WE CAN DO THIS. Celebratory survived-working-christmas-retail sex to follow
I never thought I'd say this, but I think I just saw the hottest pregnant chick alive.
He stood me up and then his cat died. I feel like this is Gods way of saying he's on my side, even after the tequila fiasco.
it was like a shit fog rolling out of the east to encompass me and have it's way with me
I told you, I'm taking a sledgehammer to your walls. Fuck your walls.
I'm Batman.
Please tell me I made it home with both shoes on
Nope
Just once, I'd like to make it to my first wedding anniversary for a change.
After 3 parties, all of them busted, and 4 field sobriety tests, I AM the cop whisperer
I wonder if the sex shop has any Black Friday deals.
Randomize
