my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
He was so confused why there was a string hanging out of my vagina.
I had a dream once that juice was flowing out of my kitchen faucet
she said your name and I thought she was asking me to motorboat her. Best. Miscommunication.Ever.
sorry i walked in and ruined it, but i had to laugh she looked like a pile of bologna the way you had her pinned up on the wall
I just learned that your liver regrows itself every 2 months. Best news I've heard all week.
i just bought weed at the top of a mountain, best decision of our lives to go to school in colorado.
We convinced her the game "just the tip" was a billiards game. She was asking a couple guys if they wanted to play as we left. I kinda don't want to ask her how the rest of the night went.
She said "Lay the fuck down and ill show you how its done. Ill get us both off." I did. And she did. Best words ever said before sex.
Why we can't turn this into a healthy friendship where I cheat on my boyfriend with you and you feel better knowing everything wrong with my life is beyond me.
i want to pour hot gravy all over you in bed
I could go for watching some naked price is right. Looks like a good time to me.
His mom said he was in the ER and asked for prayers and positive thoughts. Apparently, me wishing the clap on him is not what she had in mind.
your mom was just petting me...I am strangely comfortable with it
I'm going to go ahead and refrain from sexting you in an airport that is currently at a "level orange" security threat.
Randomize
