I went from sexy to sloppy in a matter of minutes
Hashbrowns don't come out your nose as easily as you would think
a commercial for my antidepressant came on and they said you shouldn't take if if you drink right as i took a shot
god is laughing at you again
i just ate a whole pizza and threw it back up in the time span of 13 minutes. give me the number to guiness book of world records.
Don't judge me. If you're going to fall off a bed you might as well do it gracefully into a bag full of beer.
Became best friends with the hotdog stand creeper outside the bar. Cried and told him my feet hurt too much to walk home then begged him to hire me.
she was stripping to whiskey lullaby. most depressed boner.
I don't remember much, but my night is dated pre-Jaeger and post-Jaeger. Also, my boss may or may not have tucked me in.
Note to self: semen does not count as food to take medicine with
There's always a certain something about a day that begins with your panties in your purse.
At one point 12 people dressed in care bear onesies were up on stage grinding super nasty, and two of the girl Care Bears were making out.
If this wasn't a hallucination, we need to go to this magical kingdom every night of the week.
WHY AM I CRAWLING IN OLDER MEN HOLY JESUS
mom is telling me the setting in which I was conceived
did you know we used to have a pool?
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
Our entire day shift is on either molly or acid. I'm about to take two hits of the latter.
Randomize
