I think the only thing that impresses me are nice penises...and Jesus. Jesus would impress me. Especially if he walked on water again.
under NO circumstances is it acceptable to fist pump to taylor swift
Just smoked a bowl with the exterminator. I think my day is more productive.
Help. Me. He just whispered 'prepare yourself', & sprayed hairspray everywheres to make sure the 'air was crisp'
Last time I stayed at my moms my fucking car got set on fire sooo maybe I should think this through.
I don't know if I want to cry scream puke or go somewhere and drink more. This is such a weird emotion.
I gotta figure out which 7 tampons in the box contains the drugs
in other news i'm homewrecking via instagram
He told me I was his first American. I feel like I should've brought a flag to plant on him.
I can't ever date him again. Whenever I see his face I just remember helplessly pissing myself in my car.
he's a firefighter. like being a firefighter screams MY DICK IS HUGE SO I'M NOT AFRAID TO DIE IN THIS FIRE.
Just because he told you it was safe doesn't mean you should have licked it.
Fine line between drunken accidental sleepover with your best friend's lab partner and gay sexathon. I did a cartwheel over that line. A CARTWHEEL THAT LANDED IN HIS LAP
Car is still out of commission. Looks like it's Grape Nuts and scotch for dinner.
I'm having leftover pizza for breakfast. I'm clearly not the greatest at this adult thing.
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