Kay wants to put chicklets in our cooters to make beavers and take pix captioned Got Wood? Taking public transit does scary things to her.
he screamed my twitter name while we were having sex.
And don't be too jealous. Drinking alone watching a chick flick and masturbating isn't nearly as glamorous as it sounds
Why the fuck is the royal wedding at 4am. That is obviously not the most appropriate time to drink during finals. It's like I'm bound to fail, by royal decree.
Mass text to all of my back up boy toys. First one here wins. Mama needs some.
the most romantic thing he could do for me right now would be to throw himself into traffic
We don't really communicate like that.
Communicate like what?
Communicate like people who want to see each other when their genitals are inside their pants.
do you remember in the middle of fleeing from the cops you stopped in the middle of the road to make out with quail man?
Your boobs stole my birthday thunder!
He somehow always manages to get me naked within 5 minutes of being together. It's like fucking witchcraft.
My hangover didn't kick in until like 4pm so I found myself puking in the middle of Times Square. During rush hour. In a three piece suit. A spongebob came by and patted me on the back.
He turned on read receipts specifically so i'd know he was ignoring me.
Sorry for peeing on your books last night. I wouldn't leave them next to the window anymore.
I drank beer out of a Frisbee and it was all downhill from there...
This is the Front Desk Lady from the Saturolite Inn. Your friend is passed out in the lobby. Please come help her.
Randomize
