If Jon and Kate can get divorced...how hard can it be for me?
Dude wtf I'm sitting behind some girl in class who is creeping on my facebook page. I don't even know who she is..
I'm missing my class because I'm not done with my beer
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
Omg. I bid $3000 on a cave in Afghanistan on EBay last night.
I bought a 9 dollar purse from payless so if I throw up in it tomorrow, no biggie.
I was trying to be really smart and save 10 dollars for each cab there and back. ...so I ripped a $20 dollar bill in half.
She Kept going around and squirting jello shots into guys mouths. That was her ice breaker.
High gym went like this: I went to Dairy Queen instead.
I'm happily sitting on the toilet cause I'm too tired to move. I'm considering making this my permanent residence. It has a lot to offer.
I think pretend fucking a camel is a good thing to do downtown. They loved me.
Wine and a Lunchable. That would be depressing if it wasn't the pepperoni and mozzarella one. Those are the shit!
Oh don't mind my cushion, I got plowed in the ass by a freight train last night
Yeahh. im on the phone with him drunk. he told me he found a pigeon in a cardboard box and named it quincy...
I’m the skeleton in his closet, but I only come out on Tuesday and Thursday afternoon and when his wife is out of town
Randomize
