god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
Did you draw a mustache on my drivers license picture??
today's thought: if you're naming your fb album "wEdDiNg dAy!!!!!!" you're too young to get married
The cab driver told me he hopes I look up to him as a father figure. Then he asked if I wanted him to take me to the hospital
And then i had a penis in each hand. It was magical.
College is a time for personal growth. Meaning it's time to start using those pickup lines on randos at dive bars.
Why is everyone else growing up when I'm just crying, eating, and having pregnancy scares?
He is like a dragon that makes me want to spread my butt cheeks, so he can fill me with hot fire.
You should photoshop their heads on tigers first!!
For my parents' annivery card? How high are you?
I tried to take home a cat on broadway last night. I named him Pinocchio and put my purse down on the sidewalk and tried to put it inside it
you really need to remember next time not to write your name and phone number on the paper its wrapped in.
But what if it got lost?
its illegal. you dont want people to contact you if they find it.
He was jealous of me and threatened by me. I'm like, just cause I could fuck your girlfriend doesn't mean I'm going to
She's not even my type. She doesn't have a penis or a drug problem
I got back from work this morning after working the night shift to find an NFL player scaling the side of our apartment...from your window. He just took sneaking out to all new level. Care to explain?
I think that about sums it up, actually.
How many Wendy's frosties do you think it would take to fill a bathtub?
Seriously where are the good guys?
The friend zone.
Randomize
