Hot mess moment: I just made really spicy guac and picked my nose, which set it on fire. I tried to neti pot it with a coffee pot, which resulted in me gagging and puking all over my bf's bathroom. oopsie.
Nothing ended up happening last night because he couldn't get my overalls or fanny pack off. I woke up this morning with one strap over my overall shorts on, my fanny pack wrapped around my chest, and the baby doll still tied to my hand. Ugh white trash parties!
I just beat off to a cartoon porn video. what has my life come to
no ping pong balls so we're playing beer pong with an ornament. you can't tell me that's not festive.
i had to apologize to my friends for being friends with me
The cabbie told us to at least pretend we weren't doing coke while he was driving
That awkward moment when the guy you hooked up on spring break invites you over for dinner to meet his parents and you say yes because the first rule of college is never turn down a free meal.
THE SHIT YOU GET YOURSELF INTO
I went to bed at ten on a Friday night I have virtues to spare
Right now, there's some ten year old kid getting ready to go outside and play basketball. He will soon find out his basketball hoop was no match for my car.
Swish.
How is it??
I'm drinking Gatorade out of a champagne flute.
I did this clutch move yesterday at the bar where I grabbed a plastic cup for water and discreetly threw up in it while walking around and then tossed it. It was my best boot and rally ever
My life has hit a new low, I just licked MDMA of someone's bed.
Why am I sleeping on top of the fridge?
You were playing hide and seek with the dog. she couldn't find you and you passed out.
You threw a beachball full of vodka at me and yelled I CHOOSE YOU then ran
I want to find him again. His Corona tank top and I were made for each other.
Randomize
