so heres a good story. about 6 hrs ago i took a bath with bruce blasting. and 6 hrs later i woke up still in my bathtub but in cold water
either my laughing turned him on, or he wanted to shut me up. either way, i dont care. it was amazing.
the semester isnt officially over until i take the batteries out of my calculator and put them back into my vibrator
I'm not sure how many more innuendos I can slip into this fucking conversation before I just blatantly say "I want to fuck you."
Ok! I picked up an anti-celebratory bottle of champagne on the way to dinner for her going to rehab. That's how I feel about this...
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
Your heart is a swirling cauldron of blackness that does not pump blood but rather a sludgey mixture of evil and broken dreams.
I told him to just roll me a blunt and put it in a heart shaped box.
Please warn me if you ever end up in porn, cause I don't want to stumble across that on accident, okay?
Yes, yes I will fake crap in his house for you.
This stupid maranara sauce stain sucks. It keeps distracting me and it looks like I'm staring at my tits.
honestly the most stressful part of moving is the chance my mom will find my vibrator
That reminds me of the morning I woke up on the sidewalk covered in chicken wings
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
I don't think I can get drunk, high or horny enough to even consider that
Randomize
