I am dying of drunk and no thats not a typo.
Dude, we have the same penis size. Best friends for life.
Dude, I don't care how big her tits are. I have to dump her. She shit in my shower.
All I can think about is getting a lawsuit and chocolate
I woke up exactly where I passed out... on top of him yet he somehow put his pants back on
It's raining. Will need ride home and blow job.
Your niece just basically announced she's a whore on FB so you should feel pretty good about officiating that wedding next month.
Can we just talk about how the only thing I have on my camera from this weekend is a video of you putting your whole fist in your mouth hahahha
Damn, well, it could always be worse
For sure, I could be a prison bitch right now. Thursdays aren't half bad
Lol. I get my husbands paycheck every week. Immediate deposit into my purse next to his balls.
You guys I wore sweatpants to work today because I simply forgot to put on real pants and I had a weed brownie and a juice box for breakfast. I am not ready for parenting.
there is a spider sitting on top of my weed like he owns it or some shit
no but seriously tf do i do? i have that spider phobia but i think my lvoe of the weed overpowers it
It's days like today, when my bra and underwear match, that make me feel like I'm getting my life together...
Had a rough day but my boyfriend made that all better by going down on me while letting me watch Top Gear... I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
Ya know what's the worst? Being drunk and wanting to show someone a picture of your goddaughter but not wanting to open the pictures on your phone because the first one is of someone's dick..
Randomize
