dude sorry about putting my finger in your butt last nite i was wasted and thought it was mine
I woke up to find her cooking breakfast wearing nothing but my Nuggets jersey. I don't think this could end better.
You had the genius idea to tape beer to the celing fan. There goes his security deposit. He is gonna be fuckin pissed.
Someone is in my phone as "fireball girl" and keeps texting me. How do I go about finding out who it is?
I'm bringing Sergeant Single Slut out this weekend. I hope you're ready for her.
I told him if he wanted to lose weight he had to learn self control. Less than ten minutes after that I ate a cookie off the floor...
Relationships are fuckin' work. And you can't just up and leave with no questions when you really just need to get home because you're about to shit your pants.
You're so wise.
You don't understand!!! BACON ROSES!!! Why are you not more excited?!
Id prob hit it, but i instagram edited her picture to make her look better. Ha. She should fuck me just for that.
Hey Cat, it's Michael. You made out with me for a hot dog last night and I feel super used.
I like to oil my gears with cheap vodka and strangers
As I was blowing him, he proceeded to tell me that his friend who I blew years ago gave me a five star review on my BJ skills. And, he agrees.
Atta girl.
Smoked a joint with mom, best Thanksgiving ever!
Apparently last night I was doing back bends for the guy making my easy mac because clearly it wasn't easy enough for me.
Also, in case they didn’t tell you… there is a chicken living in your old room… so I would assume cleaning that is now on them
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