the party we crashed was not a party. the party we crashed was jens grandads funeral.
They need to add a relationship status option on fb that says "having the baby of..."
In the middle of fucking me, she said "Hold on, I need my Hulk hands."
In class ... We were just assigned groups for the quarter... Remember that night we took shots from that guys pants? I now know his name
No, I'm in the bathroom trying to scrub off the 16 tally marks on my wrist so its not so obviously to the world that I puked on a couch last night.
He added me on Facebook. I'm pretty sure he got my name from the inside of the bra I had lost in the frat house.
First thought today, I need a ventriloquist dummy that looks like me. This week's project has been determined.
There are rocks in my bed. And dirt all over my face. Explain?
I hooked up with a British man... Wiz Khalifa has your bra... Couldn't have been a more successful night!
Can you think of a sexual word rhyming with snorkel?
my biography would be titled "haunting truths and dick jokes: a tale of love, loss, and masturbation."
I got a 5 dollar bill, 1 condom, and no alcohol. I get payed on Thursday. Let's do this shit.
Got out of the uber to projectile vomit in the McDonald's drive thru. Gonna take a break from the Cuervo for a while.
Why is there never any toilet paper at his apartment? What does he wipe his ass with? WHAT DOES HE WIPE IT WITH?!?
whenever i get involved w someone i'm gonna give you their number to testify to the fact that they should not fall in love with me
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