Drunk x Brooklyn = problems getting home. If I don't make it you can have my computer and my bitches. You're welcome.
if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
Just got booed while taking a piss and asked if I 'call that a penis.' Get me the fuck out nf yankee stadium.
When you want to head down the cleveland on Sunday?
What time do the bars open? I dont want to remember how bad theyre gonna lose
I put bits of fruit cocktail in the jello shots i made because i knew that they were gonna be the only thing we ate all day
My coke dealer 411'd my work number just to see how I was doing and gave me his new number. He must miss my business
i know it happened because it happened right beside me, and at one point on top of me.
Only you could walk of shame to a childrens pirate themed birthday party
OH. MY. GOD. FUCK HIM. JUST GRAB HIM AND FUCK HIM.
Just googled "penis wearing a hat" i think it's safe to say nobody found my ex's lost phone...
after all you did bang a few mechanics. you must have got some second hand skills by now for building us a go kart.
I watched Morgan Freeman explain the existence of nothing, now I'm afraid of sub - atomic particles. these egg rolls are outstanding
Before he left he told me if his girlfriend ever finds out, she'll take us both to an alley and kill us.
I just put condoms in a mason jar because it looked prettier than the box.I think I've peaked.
He still want's to kick my ass for fucking his sister, probably a bad idea to leave the bar with his ex...
Randomize
