Come to the Burger King. We're waiting for you.
You called information & said "connect me to johnny depp" when they told u it wasn't listed u said " try depp comma johnny he's expecting my call"
I think one day, after evolution kicks in, my sons will thank me for having a 3rd ball. That's how much sex I'm having.
i feel as uncomfortable as your camel toe looks.
I just found scrambled eggs in my shower. Thanks for that, asshole.
nothing like a walk of shame in front of a cnn news crew to start the morning off right
He corrected my use of grammar... I think we both know that means i have to sleep with him
WHY IS MY CAR MISSING A DOOR YOU BITCH
budget cuts
YOU CANT BLAME EVERYTHING YOU DO WHILE DRUNK ON BUDGET CUTS
budget cuts are serious business
The trashcan full of everclear punch caught on fire...you should probably come home now.
Just woke up to find myself in a random bed with two people next to me having sex. I thought it would be awkward to just suddenly get up so i think I'm gonna lie here and pretend I'm still sleeping.
Was it you who made out with a toothless guy last night?
I spilled beer everywhere which led to an oil fire and me melting a spatula again. And then I was late to class so I explained what happened to the teacher.
Oh man 11pm. That means it's time to take my shirt off an eat a brownie
I got to my internship late... with a bag of chipotle and sex hair.
ditto.
about cumming, not toast
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