Tonight was like the Noah's Ark of alcohol. I had to have two of everything.
I'm not ready for the Pike bikes to move back in to town it was wonderful seeing that sorority house empty all summer
... I'm KD
he looks like a really good dad on facebook
drunk doesn't even begin to explain it. dude called him and said to bring you back because he'd already called dibs.
The best part was that when I woke up, I poked her with my dick to wake her up, and said, "Hi, I'm Alex. Nice to meet you". Shoulda seen the look on her face. Priceless.
If you're still awake, how rude would it be if I masturbated in her new apartment on moving day? If you're asleep, then ask me how it was.
I woke up with a half eaten bag of lettuce in my hand, wearing my Halloween costume from last year. Damn you tequila.
I spent the whole weekend building houses out of popsicle sticks for my bowls. How was your weekend?
Just made a PowerPoint called "Reasons Why You Should Fuck Me" at his request. The sad thing is we've had sex before...
I'm reffing a fight in Fight Club I don't even know what I'm doing
I just sat in the bathtub with the shower running so I could eat the whole box of mega stuffed Oreos. What am I doing with my life
Great news! In less than 2 hours, I'm ripping your underwear off with my teeth!
Right now, there's some ten year old kid getting ready to go outside and play basketball. He will soon find out his basketball hoop was no match for my car.
Swish.
Excuse me while I take my birth control pill for today to prevent getting pregnant from hearing about your sex life
Still can’t get over the fact that we ate beef jerky off a strip club floor
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