Fuck you I wanted that fabulous flaming homo to win american idol...its like we lost the gay marriage vote...again
I'll see your cousin, and raise you a sister.
Come over. Drunk tacos.
That isn't even a sentence.
I kept the important parts.
he just flipped me off the bed, said "deal with it", and came on me.
If it snows I'm just gonna sit at my house in my costume and drink beer by myself all night.
Guess which fraternity was just playing car to car frisbee in the McDonald's drive thru! Did you guess mine?
Sweet. Warning: i have been drinking at work since 4. Plan accordingly.
Beer and tomahawks! Not gonna end well!
We all have to be good at something. Mine are writing, drinking, fucking and peer pressure.
I've been sleeping with the same person for about two months now, I think I know a little bit about stability and commitment.
EW FUCK GROSS GODDAMMIT I WENT DOWNSTAIRS AND MY GODDAMN BROTHER WAS FINGERING SOME GIRL ON THE FLOOR DOESN'T HE KNOW HE FUCKING LIVES WITH PEOPLE
Sorry I wasn't opportunistic about sucking your dick in an Uber last night
Had sex on the beach last night with a drug dealer. win-win-win situation
i'm sitting in my room 'bout to smoke a bowl. also, i found out that you don't need a permit to own a tiger in wisconsin, so we're buying one when we move in together.
So naked ping pong was a mistake... Looks like we were attacked by an octopus.
Randomize
