I wish I could donate my sober boners to my whiskey dick
he's having a long distance Facebook-coordinated power hour. the status update has 159 comments ...
you kept falling over in mid-conversation and you just got right back up as if nothing happened...
I was hoping we just happened to wake up naked and I hadn't fucked him.... no such luck.
Im in a bar and I just invented a scrabble drinking game. People are cheering. It's like the universe has aligned itself.
Did you see the video of me eating a marshmellow on fire?
Just wanted you to know two things, 1st I sent the second thing to a broad ive been talking too. 2nd that was not just a fart.
I made one of my coworkers cheers to me not being pregnant. I've never talked to him before tonight. Keeping it classy.
I should be done at 8 and I've also done a great Job of convincing my self that I should get really drunk tonight
I couldn't find a lighter, so I smoked a bowl with a birthday candle.
I haven't even had my coffee yet and you're being slutastic
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
I'm sitting in Madison square park surrounded by children thanking god I took emergency contraception
I just found a contact in my phone named "Nick from The Party". Who's nick?
She's got a shotglass necklace, running down the street asking people to "fill her up". Get here.
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