fyi, i just bought my first strap-on. the little mermaid theme song was playing in the background.
they bought blue cups instead of red...wtf how am i supposed to pretend im on laguna beach??
Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
yeah bitch needs to recognize there's only one person with this face
I need a $60 an hour job, because I have a $50 an hour drinking habit.
the tile , carpet , walls , cabinets , even the ceiling ... there is Jello everywhere
it was your idea to have indoor Jello wrestling man
I'm just sayin' man be careful, that chick has castration written all over her.
I repeat the shot was ON FIRE. I am never going to a pirate bar again.
so I am that guy with the red solo cup in class. someone has to step it up.
I accidentally told my mom "the reason I didn't answer your call is because my phone was in my pants, on the floor"
Your mother may get texts again about women putting dog food up their vaginas and asking for it to be licked.
I threw up in a pringles can. how do you think my night went.
we can no longer cook chicken in the house. his name is herbert, we are keeping him and can not eat his people in front of him.
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
he's fucking insane. he's worse than me. is that even possible? I'm only with him because his dick is huge. I need Jesus.
Randomize
