Pick my eyebrow is burning. I'm sitting in the back of dolows vat and listening to jolly music and wilfgang is signing and looking food. Cute kid. Home is where I go now.
what. the. fuck.
i just made my mom cry by blowing spit bubbles.
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
i finally found my car by the hideout. it was parked in an employee only parking space with a torn up piece of paper in the back window with the word employee scribbled on it.
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Dude, you face planted, there was no "bar fight".
after i talked him through a bulleted list of why we couldn't have sex he just said "but it would be fun...."
this is getting really bad. i thought the chandelier in the dining room was one of those claws from the claw games in an arcade and i spent the past five minutes jumping left to right so the claw wouldn't grab me
Heaven was on the 3rd floor and Hell was on the first. When the cop walked up he was confused as to who the noise complaint was for and wrote both apartments a noise violation.
when I came to get Jamie there was a cop standing outside with her, made me roll down my window to tell me "she's got to go cause she won't keep her shirt buttoned"
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He only likes me when I'm naked and I don't like being around him clothed. It's the perfect relationship.
I clipped one of my extensions in his hair to give him a rat tail. What is my life?
I want to go out and have good clean fun.
Ok, but that does not include Bud Light Platinum and your vagina.
I slipped in the shower today and broke my lighter..
I don't know, we got really drunk and I slapped her with an ear of corn.
It was just a hint of nipple. I kept it classy!
Do you even hear yourself?
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