I think the world might be a better place if everyone was capable of having open relationships.
I'm thinking of writing "I have herpes" on my stomach in sharpie that way I'm not tempted to show my tits tonight
She posts like 3 statuses a day pleading for pity. Responding positively would be like giving a dog a treat for shitting on the floor.
His bookmark is a piece of toilet paper. No shame there.
hey you knew what you were in for when i showed up with 2 fifths of Jim. plus i left money to pay for a new sink
Is it ironic that the girl with the horse face is also on the equestrian team?
He just showed me a video of his erect penis moving to the beet of the music when he was high, I think I'm in love.
Snorting lines of xanex off the back of my grandparents toilet before church. Thinking of u.
Finding a keg in our kitchen would be like god personally high fiving each of us.
I am here to underwhelm you with my vagina
This is the third year in a row that Mario has fallen through a table on New Years. I'm sensing a tradition developing.
Did you know they have a bouncer at Applebee's because I did not
If he doesn't give you the same feelings you get when the pizza guy arrives, he's probably not worth it.
we can no longer cook chicken in the house. his name is herbert, we are keeping him and can not eat his people in front of him.
I danced my ass off after the funeral last night. Kept dropping it low and I can feel it in my legs today. Im like shit I needa go work out
What a way to honor the dead
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