Skipping work because i'm still too drunk from last night still. got home at midnight and passed out in front of my door for 2 hours bc i couldn't find my key
had to call my rooommate to let us in. Passed out in my dress and found the key on my hair tie-in my hair- just now.
Thats two for two birthdays where I've gotten the "alcoholism runs in the family" speech
We started playin just the tip, then shit got crazy
Yeah, I think they knew. I smelled like that telltale combination of strippers and Easter.
I'm not proud of how I threatened that 8 year old during drunken laser tag
It's stupid hot. I just want to be laying in a bathtub full of margaritas
I've friend zoned this boy hard. I made him change my nipple rings before he went home.
Why is the clock ticking so loud? Now I know how Captain Hook feels.
I just dropped a paperclip into my cleavage while talking to the company president... That's an awkward moment.
Did you at least offer to let him get it out??
I know what you meant. If you want babies in time for your birthday, we gonna need either a time machine or a ski mask.
you gave a quesadilla a blow job with sour cream at Denny's.
Nipple rings and loofahs DO NOT mix.
I AM STRANGELY AROUSED BY THIS UNEXPECTED DEVELOPMENT AND I AM COMPLETELY OK WITH THIS.
Do you know anything about how the saran wrap ended up on my toilet seat?
I managed to convince her that the egg yolks were actually orange juice and she fell for it
Randomize
