Kirsten Dunst is sitting next to me in a bar in NYC
Tell her I want my money back for Elizabethtown.
just peed in the tub, threw it on Megan.. she threw more back, I got out and threw toilet water on her.. forecast for tomorrow? pink eye.
honestly, magaritas are the void men can't fill.
just had sex in his gielfriend's bed, and puked all over it. i need to get out of here.
I went to go pee and found a strand of your hair wrapped around my penis.
Apparently, there is a horrible ghonorrea out break at our school. Woo! What a way for Loyola to welcome us back.
The only way I could get him to agree to hook up with her is telling him I'd hook up with him next week.
Well at least it wasn't the first time I threw up out of a second story window
He rode a broom down the stairs while we were mattress surfing. Naked. Buck ass naked. WTF
Just made a jeopardy bj game. Every question has 10-50 seconds on it and if he's right that's how many he gets.
The Winnie the Pooh costume was great until you got drunk and started yelling at the kids asking for pictures.
Dude you chased a girl around the yard and then fell over the curb. Face first. You got up on your own tho so you reached champion status
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
I have a bunch of bug bites on my ass... This is why you don't have sex against a tree in the woods
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
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