We did it and he fell asleep and I was bored so I decided to go back to the party...is that bad?
When i asked him what happened all he said was, the toucan... the toucan... over and over again.
drunk...on the white house tour...security is staring. this will not end well.
After having to meet his mom half naked, running into the tree in front of her didn't seem so bad.
Just got Netflix. Dexter Marathon. Still in my PJ's. Only eaten cookie dough and drinking a 40. I have never reeked so strongly of lonely .
If he's dead I'm so gonna get the blame. I have his passport, keys and his tooth in my purse.
A guy wearing a shirt that says "eat shit and die motherfucker" just held open a door for me. He's got manners.
I honestly don't think it will ever get topped. Unless a real female cop arrests me, then fucks me. That's it.
You know I love you more than life itself, but love has its limits. And so help me god, if you bail on me, I will fucking watch the last Game of Thrones episode without you.
I'm shotgunning a 12 pack at a bus stop. This is why we pay the rent with an auto withdrawal at the beginning of the month
Prepare for massive TMI but anyway long story short I have a Swiss flag band-aid across my balls.
What a patriot you are. How'd it happen?
I woke up the whole house screaming I need my shorts they found me in the kitchen with a bag of strawberries naked
Like pizza and mermaids make up about 1/3 of my thoughts on the weekends.
i just sexted for my mom while she was driving, i have hit an all time low.
she passed out standing next to the car. her head hit the door so hard the alarm went off. she instantly snapped out of it and started sprinting away
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