He said he was from Mississippi and my vagina clamped shut like a frightened oyster
nothing screams I HAVE A PROBLEM! like the case of miller lite sitting on top of my DUI papers in the passenger seat of my car. lol
When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
He said he had to make up a lie of why he couldnt sleep with her. It must really suck to have a sunburned dick.
The last thing I remember is sitting in a chair and him hand feeding me bell peppers
ITS A JAGER BOTTLE. NOTHING CAN BE BAD IF ITS JAGER RELATED.
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
Please tell me there isn't another video of me on the toilet...
He pulled the pencil out of my leg and then we fucked. It felt sorta like pulp fiction in reverse.
You dropped a beer and it was like when wilson floated away. Complete with sobbing apologies
Shit, no womder she didn't wanna fuck me
I can't sleep. My mind keeps asking "turn down for what?" but it won't accept any of my answers.
I forgot my backup drink is supposed to be pedialyte and vodka. Add in the shit I'm losing as I drink. Win-Win right?
Can't tell if it's the drugs or science magic, but I *THINK* that mouse just turned into a squirrel.
It's 7am. I'm making pizza & watching the Matrix. I will not be bothered.
To answer your next question, yes, I'm drunk.
Whoever was the bastard/bitch/genius who duct taped my keys to my dick so I wouldn't lose them. I hate you.
Randomize
