It was like what a highfive between zeus and Jesus would sound like
The fish's death was accidental. We all said a few words at his funeral. Roomie wanted to play only the good die young as he swirled down the toilet bowl
Apparently I grabbed her ponytail and cut it with an exacto knife.
we're using his nephews tonka truck toy as a cooler for the beer
We would be rich. And the whole world would be stoned.
Perhaps if I didn't mortify my parents last night with my drunken obnoxious behavior which resulted in the casualty of an entire decorative bathroom shelf which I completely ripped off the wall and left for dead, I would be more than willing to go day drinking.
She makes him look at her naked pics before she sends them to someone she's actually going to fuck. I think this makes him mayor of the friend zone.
how do you ask an olympian for your underwear back?
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
How about we just have a naked taco night instead?
ORGASMS AND PIZZA
PIZZA AND ORGASMS
Let's FaceTime each other while we shotgun beers
I need someone to sew my vagina shut until I'm responsible enough to use it
I'm concerned I may die tonight. All I've been told about my bday shenanigans is to bring slutty clothes, a bikini, tylenol, sunglasses and pjs. Tell me what the fuck is going on...now
bring lube too
i hate all of you
My new superpower is making fuckboys disappear!
Bending dicks and egos since 2002
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