If you're gonna cry pregnant again I'm not coming over.
Words of wisdom-never eat a peanut-butter covered banana on a construction site ever again
she just stood in the kitchen yelling "REAL WOMEN HAVE CURVES"
It was like watching Stephen Hawking try to swim.
I've gone to the bathroom 3 times. And forgot to pee. 3 times. Let's say we call it a night, I need to be found. I see a fish tank by the bar and some stairs.
I found a tip from a dart in my bra this morning
Osama's death just kick started our Cinco de mayo celebration. Margaritas for anyone wearing red white and blue!
Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie
You may have graduated college on time, but my 6th year ass gets to see awesome tits every day just for showing up.
If I die tonight and was cremated, you could probably get high off the smoke.
It was a perpetual wrestle for who got to be on bottom. Laziest hookup ever.
My vagina is trying to run away to Boston without me.
You're the only person I know who would be upset about making out with a girl you like. You're like a drunken Charlie Brown.
Found some boxer briefs on my patio table this morning surrounded by a case worth of empties. Starting to remember why I have rugburn and a sore asshole.
She gave me a collar. When I asked what this was for she replied "I'm taming your dick"
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