I found the orange juice, it was hiding in the vodka...trickster.
I know its small, but please -- stop calling it my "weenis".
Chef at hibachi place learned it was my bday and sprayed 20 second count worth of saki in my mouth. Not sure it was the right image to share with my kids, but thought you'd be proud.
We legitimately thought something was wrong with you until someone pointed out you were just doing the thriller dance
I'm so tired of waking up with my bed full of deli meats.
Ok in all seriousness. Alcohol intake is now restricted for me. I found handcuffs in my trunk.
And everyone was looking at me because it was cold and I was drunk and may have screamed "oh fuck" ... You know what, fuck that. What do people think they're getting at Denny's 2 in the morning
As soon as the clock wound down to zero, she declared "HALF-TIME HEAD" and pulled down my pants. After the swallow, she said "BEER CHASER," got me a new one, and asked if she could make me a sandwich. Pretty sure she's lobbying hard for a ring.
You threw your body across the gross couple hooking up on the couch and demanded they scratch your back. I love you drunk on peach schnapps
Just test drove the kilt for Justin's wedding. NEVER. WEARING. PANTS. AGAIN.
We were watchin sharknado and we hooked up while I had the Donald Trump shirt on. She said she felt like he was staring at her
Thanks to a bad fart decision during a production meeting, I am now on my way to Target to buy new pants. How is your day?
I'm fine w planning around your penis prospecting. Saturday it is.
I can't believe I watched you put a tampon in in the parking garage
i did these weird ass ab exercises once that left me queefing for weeks
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