I woke up and she had washed, dried, folded my clothes, cooked me breakfast, and had started cleaning my room
haha, you sure you didnt fuck your mom?
so I got guilt tripped into giving her a new years kiss, and she proceeded to try and eat my face while mounting me. when you give a mouse a cookie...
You'll be proud of me
Who did you not have sex with
Damn it...you know me too well
It's 10am. I'm hungover wearing a flyers jersey and a phillies hat and eating a cheesesteak. I'm not the only one. Best city ever.
I already brushed my teeth, and it's not even noon yet. Today's going to be a productive day.
it's like heaven, but drunker
Hey Im running from the cops. hiding in a bush. when you're approaching the intersection honk the horn twice and I will come out.
I was stumbling so much, men walking behind us were shouting "don't hit the pole! don't hit the pole!" whenever I was near a telephone pole.
I seem to have forgotten that I am wearing a one piece bathing suit under my clothes
Ill tap morse code on the ceiling when im ready for you to come down amd smoke
according to last night, I underestimated the size of my mouth and the possibilities of what can fit into it.
Found your counterpart from cali. Walked into the bar we were in with milk and a donut, ordered a beer and said anything his group wanted was on his tab....dangerous
This ice cream is 10x better than the sex I had yesterday
to be fair i didnt know she wanted to sleep with me
WHY THE FUCK ELSE WOULD SHE DRAG A STRAIGT MAN INTO A VICTORIA'S SECRET CHANGEROOM GODDAMMIT
It's fucking 2020, I should be able to watch Netflix in the buff while making brownies without you getting preachy about it.
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