I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
Loo but I'm already drunk TINIGHT! CAPS ATTACK
I don't care what you say, cheap wine does NOT taste better in expensive crystal...
Yeah I should probably start planning our first conversation instead of our first child.
Think of this as an opportunity. Like Jesus just opened up his closet, and inside is an endless supply of huge, beautiful cock.
This would be a good time to bring up the fact that my spider-man fork is MIA
i just want to attach a dildo to the ceiling and ride it like a gay spiderman.
want me to make you a grilled cheese? I can't guarantee it'll be as good as yours but i'll go down on you afterwards if you want
brb printing out this text and putting it on my bedroom wall
I woke up wearing a lax pinnie under my shirt, a triathlon medal, and a dora backpack... I think I had fun
You raged at the rock climbing place for not selling beer and then just said "fuck it" and pulled out a flask.
just imagine me sitting naked on a toilet with a fully-clothed dude i havent seen in 2 years, trying to make normal conversation except that im covered in blood and he's helping wipe me down while i try not to pass out because blood makes me NERVOUS. And he's apologizing and i'm apologizing.
But I got head on a boat yesterday which was sweet until a bald eagle flew over. Then it became life affirming.
I am passing the whore torch on to you my friend. Do me proud
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
It's National Whipped Cream Day, prep those nips
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