just spent the last 4 hours searching ex-girlfriend porn to make sure there are no photos of me
recycled a plan b box. kill a baby. save a tree.
Smoking bowl and applying to community college. I now know how I got here.
At least I wasn't still dressed as a bottle of dom perignon when they took me to the ER
i took it, then realized you live 3 ours away. but if you start driving now, im almost positive I'll still be hard
she said I was laying next to a garbage can in the subway doing key bumps and screaming "its my fucking birthday" repeatedly
You kept showing the cop the bruises on the bottoms of your feet and claiming you were a medical mystery.
She almost killed me. The shot she handed me had tacks in it. Wtf?!
His dick is hereby named Charles Dickens. Will's is less cerebral. I'd like to call it Pinnacle like the vodka we drank when we hooked up, but I feel like that's a compliment it doesn't deserve.
You called a girl at 4:30am to tell her "your pussy is my top priority" while simultaneously Urban Spooning late night cafes.
I am not exagerating when I say the thought "screw you future me" actually just went through my head
His balls are like really small, like dog sized balls. It was a weird discovery. Ever done a guy with dog sized balls?
Booty calls should never involve the cops.
He was the perfect gentleman on our first date. Took me out for candlelit dinner at a fancy restaurant, held open the door, walked me home, and made me cum three times before he got his.
NOT PREGNANT HIGH FIVE!
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