Welp, she's chewing our paper towels again. She's like an obnoxiously hot puppy
Help. Me. He just whispered 'prepare yourself', & sprayed hairspray everywheres to make sure the 'air was crisp'
As you were leaving the bar you grabbed a table and when they stopped you, you said "Its cool i came in with this". They did not believe you.
how many lesbians have to have their hearts broken before they realise I am not that kind of DJ
We were in the middle of fucking and she was just like "Do ya wanna play Harry Potter Scene It?" I musta been really bad lol Anyways, her tattoo healed nicely.
I want to name my colorful bowl Batman. Why? I still have yet to figure it out. But I'm calling it Batman.
my vagina is like this close to growling at me and leading me onto the nearest dance floor
make it buy you a drink first
I have no idea why my husband is mad that I came home at 4 am & all I want to do is eat spaghettios. It's not fucking spaghettios fault.
Running my fingers through my hair is like that scene from Patch Adams where the girl goes swimming in a pool of spaghetti. I love molly.
Well at least I will forever be known as the girl he ate out on the lifeguard stand while people walked by. On the first date.
He stopped mid sex to pour wine in my mouth...
Marry him.
I swear to god if I have to repeat this to you one more mother fucking time I will flip fucking shit and acidic rain will pour down upon your mother fucking soul
Lost my anal v card with Peter Thiel's RNC speech on in the background. Unbelievably appropriate
The first time he ever tried to hold my hand, I moon walked away.
I blame her lesbian super powers of coercion.
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