Well the candle wax mightve been sexy if he didn't drop the candle and light half my bed on fire
all the sharp corners in my house are covered with litter foam blocks. al set for partying
You showed the cops outside of the bar your boobs and then decided to go apologize to them. They admitted that the reason they hung out there was because of girls like you.
cheese fries, coffee, with a side of dry heaving in the bathroom at the diner on campus at 5am. never felt better.
My sister was not impressed when she got here. I was standing in the doorway in my underwear drinking a beer. At 2pm. On a Monday.
I feel like when purchasing hard liquor on a Monday I also need to buy a happy 21st bday card to not seem so pathetic
So last night I kicked a beer can off of a frat guys head and it nailed one of my sisters in the face. Think i'll be brought up on standards?
Why do guys insist on chatting me up this early in the morning? I'm just like "Dude, I look like the bastard child of Einstein and a troll doll. Let me eat my Hot Pocket in peace."
in the midst of studying i picked up my capsule full of untouched weed, popped it open, and whispered "soon" into it. midterms man
Do you ever get high and look at your cat and feel like you know them on an intellectual level?
I think I gave the bachelor party directions to the breweries next to my dentist so that they could take me to my appointment and pick me up afterward...
Let's put it this way. Mom is bringing me a new shirt and I smell like lube.
I'm ready to run through the streets naked yelling "HES ALIVE!"
My new favorite word is dickbag. I think its relevant here. And I say that with all the love in the world.
I feel like a dancer trapped in the body of a math instructor. Love, Mom
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