We played Rock, Paper, Scissors last night to see who was the least drunk to drive.
The Rock won.
we're all still whores. we just have a theme song now.
I just passed on expense account drinking, this must be the worst hangover ever.
Jon thought he was that blonde chick from Three's Company when he was shrooming
Yes I want to fuck your friends but it's out of respect and love for you.
I think my multiple attempts of taking his life, no matter how unintentional they were, has put a damper on our friendship
yeah, i'm not. but i'm ready for free bjs. it's just hard to find women who will give me a beej while i'm sobbing uncontrollably
She sent me a map and directions for a booty call. In a park. Give me reason not to marry her.
my roommate just showed me the scar on her forehead... that she got from a shake weight... That. just. happened.
Did you find any other hidden treasures in my room? Specifically weed? Or Slim Jims?
Worst part of blacking out... Waking up and having to do the teeth check
That is NOT what pussyfooting around means. Try that again with your toe and I break it off.
True friends don't judge, they just try to have more booty calls than you do.
listen i get youre a daddy dom but that doesnt give you a pass to make dad jokes
I was so high last night that at one point I kept licking his neck saying he tasted like soap and truffles.
Randomize
