next person that tells me Facebook is a professional tool is getting kicked in the teeth.
I just left during the middle of Chemistry to go throw up in the bathroom....and you laughed at my travel toothbrush.
Halloween has nothing on dressing up as as the INS on cinco de mayo
my dad's beating me at drinking again. No matter what i do I can't win.
you can't wake me up at 4am to suck your dick and then give me a high five at the bar
I need to stop treating my body like that of a Vegas hooker on vacation in Ibiza
your life is not complete until you watch a gaggle of murderous clowns dance to gangnam style.
also, what is the correct term for a shit ton of clowns?
You held an empty wine bottle to your head and declared yourself the "wine unicorn." For the rest of the night you galloped everywhere and whenever anyone refused to be a wine unicorn with you, you tried to spear them with the bottle.
I am having telepathic thoughts with my cat. He loves me and wants me to blow his nose
Knowing how to carefully mix my vices has to be the #1 skill I've gotten from pharmacy school
just realized we fucked to the ultimate disney playlist last night. hakuna matata.
It was the scariest thing ever having a flame that close to my balls...
I couldn't have possibly been that bad
You had her flip the penny over to the lucky side before you picked it up and ate it...
It's official. My little brother has had more sex in my car than I have. I'm still tied with my little sister. I hate everybody.
I just bought a slurpee and condoms. God bless America.
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