tfor prom could you pick me up wo bottles of champagne and a condom, please?
i'm in his phone as sushi coochie
So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
Is it possible for Craig Seger to wear a normal suit and not look like an asshole on national tv?
just passed out again, this time at a subway. On a positive not they gave me a free sandwich, pretty sure out pity but at this point i don't care
sticking your hands in the toilet to wash your face is not acceptable. ever. i don't care how drunk you are.
Their car went through the first bag of wine on the drive up...clearly 6 bags was not enough.
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
Just got flashed by an entire bus of girls in school uniforms. We then had to wait beside each other at a light. It was awkward.
It has now been 10 days since we last saw Sebastians penis
just curious, were the inflatable penis' received? Amazon says they were delivered.
IS NO AN EMOTION BECAUSE THAT'S WHAT I'M FEELING RIGHT NOW
when I finally convinced you to get off the floor you looked at me wild-eyed and said "the carpet was a VAST EXPANSE OF SEA"
Cmon. I wasn't that bad.
You stumbled ass first into the litter box, and everytime we tried to get you to move you said " if I fits. I sits."
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
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