My milkshake brings 85 to 90 percent of the boys to the yard
Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
I told my boyfriend my favorite food was strawberry poptarts, now my email inbox is getting spammed with nude pics of him with his dick in a poptart box..
Hashbrowns don't come out your nose as easily as you would think
There was an audience eating triscuts and bananas in the bathroom while watching him puke. It was a good birthday.
remember the used condom we threw behind my bed? my mom found it and is accusing me and making a big deal out of it,
Haha! You pissed me off, so I actually told her to go look behind your bed. Good thing I moved to Nevada, so your dad can't kick my ass. Good luck bitch.
And I can feel feelings now and they hurt
I think that's the key to being an adult though... Get those rapid fire beer shits out I the way early, then you can go about your grown man business
Well, I found the missing blow... in my fucking suitcase... THIS MORNING. Yeah, I flew from FL to NY with blow in my suitcase yesterday.
I told you to check, dude
Yeah, AFTER I checked my bag and I was already sitting on a plane. Oh well. I figured worst case I'd do like 15 hours in county and I was totally prepared for that anyways. I always prepare for that when we hang out.
all we have is white fucking wine this is a travesty it's christmas not a fucking funeral
So apparently having sex with your co-worker in the bathroom at the staff party can get you fired.
I was giving him a blowjob but we had to stop because he started crying when his cat walked in and started staring at us
How did I get the fat lip, while puking I may or may not have sneezed... Wacking my face into the toilet bowl...
That time of your life is like a blur to me. There was churches, car fucking, and conservatives
Have you ever gotten such awesome underwear you wish you didnt have to wear pants?
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