Dude, you need to talk to your mom
wtf?
She just called and asked if i would be part of the intervention she's planning for you
He said he was from Mississippi and my vagina clamped shut like a frightened oyster
I would go down on you faster than GM stock
Well yesterday i made out with the entire football team and rifht at this very moment our waiter looks like a ken doll. Straight up. And he gave me wine so ill probly make out with him
college has opened so many doors for you
Those motion detector trash cans don't work fast enough to catch puke.
I remember seeing LSAT prep books and thinking "Whose room is this? I should be hooking up with them instead."
I swallowed for you. Answer the phone.
Hey. I thought you were saving your 80s playlist til marriage.
U offered to motor boat her and it somehow turned into u two going on a sunset cruise in Newport. At 3am.
I will always make you feel special and slightly offended. That's my job.
How do you tell an ex that banging less hot chicks than me is highly insulting? I almost want to try and get him laid with a pretty girl just to save some face for dating him so long.
When the cab driver starts laughing its a good indication of the standard of girls you are bringing home
It probably would have happened but I just can't picture myself losing my virginity while laying on top of his Quiksilver duvet set.
You looked at the bouncer while you pissed on the front door of the bar and said...who the fuck are you?
Holy. shit. Chris has no pants on. In public. Fuck. Need you.
Randomize
