Fun fact: he pulled out my nuva ring while he was fingering me.. he looked really confused at me and it a couple of times, so i just said "surprise! not only is it good for pleasure, it's also really handy for storing plastic toys." I'm thinking he's definately gonna call.
Baconater + red wine = first meal of the day
just came on the shower curtain. sorry housekeeping.
lets make a pact to never make a pregnancy pact
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Mark is going to get hypothermia. he is shirtless eating snow bc he "doesnt want to be dehydrated" tomorrow. youre in charge.
Walk-of-shaming home in that dress you got arrested in. Six guys called out your name when I walked past. I've never been more proud of us.
FYI If I die in my sleep it is because I drank a bottle of coke from 1986. I needed a mixer
I was thinking about getting her an edible arrangement for an engagement gift. You want in?
I'm buying her a drink and not telling her to dump his ass. that's my gift.
I got about 15 snapchats from you with your hand saying "you want cheese sticks" or something like that and one of some weird looking weed
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The thought "Ummm which pants am I wearing? ...I *am* wearing pants, right?" just ran through my head. I'm done. So done.
Also, I'm kinda hungover this morning and I need to wire money to my lawyer. So this is what adulthood feels like
just woke up on the floor of my shower...it was still runnning
He couldn't undo my bra. He ended up breaking the clasp he clawed at it so long. We met on Tinder for God sake
is it bad that im laying on a beach towel in my room with my lights on high pretending to be tanning on the beach in the summer?
sober me needs to have more faith in drunk me.
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