I'm partying with my neighbors right now, and by "with my neighbors" I mean they are partying in their backyard and I'm partying in mine, and by "partying" I mean I'm sitting here alone drinking tequila.
Don't underestimate her when she starts going by "the vodka queen"
He gave me one look and told me I'm not allowed to board the plane if I'm still as drunk by departure time.
sorry like um she made me hold her puke bag while she peed in front of me is that better
Please tell me you werent the one who replaced every beer bottle in my fridge with a picture of a baby kitten.
... and if i was..
Fuck. You.
Don't get me wrong, the sex itself is amazing, but I don't think I will EVER get used to her habit of singing lines Jesus christ super star when she is about to cum.
Worst drunk idea ever... Me "Cops are looking for two guys, one in a grey shirt one in a blue shirt" jelly "lets take out shirts off they'll never find us" of course I thought it was brilliant
Are u guys proud? I puked my brains out last night at a strip club. While my two fave strippèrs held my hair
Mom and I shoplifted today. Her idea.
Retirement sounds fun.
Vasectomy results are in. No swimmers in the water. REPEAT. No swimmers in the water. Come help me harness my new found super-power
I'm very impressed by your ability to explain a story about your fiery snatch solely in emojis. props.
I peed outside 4 times after the bar, safe to say I had great night
ps. i have two very important words to sum up my night
which are?
library sex.
Just found a rebirth in peppermint schnapps. May be able to stay up all night and finish this paper after all. MERRY CHRISTMAS
You microwaved all of my silverware, I don't care if you spent all your money on tequila, you're paying for this.
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