1. Call me if you need ANYTHING. 2. If you get tag teamed, I want details.
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
my life trainwreck boards at 9:30
All he did was lie there and used his hands to keep pace. He was like the metronome of sex.
Did you get your crutches off the street sign?
He's a little cute, in a dorky, I-know-for-a-fact-his-cock-is-huge kind of way
4 girls from the bar, me, strip basketball. here. NOW
Me and him were fist fighting in the back of the cab and I offered the driver a 100% tip to call him an asshole. I don't know why.
I'm giving great sideboob & it's being wasted on my parents.
You screamed 'no, YOU put some pants on' at a cop. I pretended not to know you.
my hand froze to the top of can of beer cuz i fell asleep outside. i decided to find a way to open the bottom of the can before addressing my severe frostbite. PRIORITIES!
You don't know how skeptical I was about letting a guy with braces go down on me
Im crossing my legs while on the toilet. It's like I'm unconsciously thinking "if im going to barf and shit at the same time, Im at least going to do it LIKE A LADY"
Made him watch 4 hours of HGTV then told him I was too tired for sex.
Savage
Plus we had to have sex before the game because there is a good chance we won’t be speaking for the rest of the week. #ironbowl
Randomize
