There's a sucker born every minute but swallowers are harder to find.
So glad I found your sister.
you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
we turned his baptism video into a drinking game
How are YOU going to look? Buying 40's on Christmas eve.
If I come back covered in mud topless and banging on your door, please have a warm towel ready for me
It's a gateway drink.... Starts with wine... Then I wake up in my car with mascara on my arms covered in french fries...
Ripped lines in the bathroom before my presentation.. Got bonus marks for my enthusiasm.. This is why I love drugs
Nick is about to bring home a woman who is 39, a mother, and, by all accounts, FUCKING HOMELESS. Will update as details become available.
How much more is Amanda Bynes going to rip out our hearts?!?!?
How about to stay friends we only have sex on our birthdays. Maybe national holidays too. And days we get really drunk. Wanna get really drunk?
Youre having a picnic
Yeah but all we have is vodka, so it's getting a bit out of hand.
I can now say I know getting hit in the face with a flying tortilla is not fun
Remember the time you cried about coconuts
You'll probably laugh but I am currently in bed in the fetal position wrapped in only my ninja turtles towel. Save me.
I mean she's doing calculus in her head to prove how NOT drunk she is.
Randomize
