The one night I bring a girl home you leave the footloose soundtrack playing.
So I'll spare the details, but I think I discovered I'm lactose intolerant. In my sleep. And you'll be needing new sheets.
you would think someone who fights for his country could fight to last longer than 2 minutes
I love him. He's like the father I never had that I kind of want to fuck.
I just used dish soap as body wash. I smell like a dishwasher exploded. isn't the end of the semester fun?
just got booed by the entire restaurant.
this is not the first time I've had hot dogs and 151 for thanksgiving.
I just watched the lion king for the first time in years. It's like the equivalent of a really good blow job.
I guess I made wings because there's chicken everywhere. Even on the walls. 3 of them. It's like a chicken grave yard.
The only alcohol in the house was a bottle of Sherry. It's like cough syrup that I shotgunned off Strawberry Shortcake's ass.
at crossfit today a guy shit his pants while deadlifting 405 lbs. coach made fun of him then congratulated him on his new personal record.
He was eating my ass and came up for air, I almost choked laughing because he had a toilet paper cling on stuck in his mustache
You know it was one hell of a night when you need to use your own thong to wipe cum off your face.
Dude at the bar last night came into the bathroom, drop kicked the stall open and start saying lines from happy Gilmore as he was shitting, "go in your home! Are you too good for your home?!"
Don't be the guy that has his dick out at work.
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