just saw a guy driving a atv down the highway in a tux.... only in Iowa...
throwing up turkey will be a nice break from throwing up ramen
There is a bottle of ciroc waiting graciously on my breakfast table. It's almost a sign for me to live up to my Russian blood.
I woke up to the sound of gentle rain, only to realize I was laying under a urine trough in the men's restroom. Fuck you, bourbon. Fuck you.
his teacher called to say he gave a girl on the playground a rock to touch his penis. proudest moment of my fatherhood
it's graduation. he's gonna get congratulations slash emotional i cant believe youre leaving me sex.
I just ASL-ed someone for the first time since 2002.
I don't know how or when he is sober long enough to donate plasma
So wait. Let me get this straight lol... you... are are considering offering fetish services to "trample and own" someone for $80 in order to pay for someone to come organize ur shit? Pure genius.
I was going through my settings and the phone randomly started playing "Crazy Little Thing Called Love" by Dwight Yoakum. Out loud. At full volume. I was shitting. There were 3 other people in the bathroom. I love iOS 7.
It's 1pm, she's in the shower, I don't have the guts tell her I wasn't her blind date. Someone got stood up.
We smoked weed. AS A FAMILY. IT WAS BEAUTIFUL.
Waking up with cheese all over my clothes and my vibrator in my pants is a sign we drank way too much tequila last night
Not sure but if it exists I will find it and I will fill my face with it
She has a girlfriend too.. we decided that two cheats equal eachother out to zero. with our flawed grasp on algebra and the bottle of jack we were passing back and forth the logic seemed airtight.
Randomize
