I cannot find my penis.
Jesus can read your poker face... He is not pleased
I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
we ike ciroccccc we love patroneeeee shost shothosthsothosthostsssss veryboyddddyyyy
go home
totally poinked my lawyers daughter in his hot tub last night. i figure getting off is just compensation for not getting me off.
Found her in the closet eating mayo out of the jar with a knife
Just picture a dyson vacuum with razor blades. That's how it felt.
I wonder if her husband knows I have my own drawer at the apartment
We definitely need to avoid these "I'm gonna get stabbed if I stay here any longer" partys
Whenever you're sad about your life, just remember that I'm on a first name basis with the late night taco bell drive-thru workers.
My ex-fiancee UPS-ed me a sixer of tall boys, and a fifth of bourbon for christmas, from halfway across the country. What does this mean?
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog
I'm in the recliner and i have a bottle of wine wedged in my cleavage, drinking from a straw. Clever and classy or pathetic and sloppy?
She looked up and said "I like this." I asked "what do you like?" she said "penis."
After he finished, he fell on the floor and whispered "finally satisfied"
Randomize
