shes the only person ive ever met that could make "i don't swallow" sound sexy
I only made out with him because he cured my hiccups
I think winning the long island race means you lose at life
Stole a wheelchair from the hospital and rolled down the street smoking and drinking this is my weekend
It feels kinda weird thanking you for sucking my dick, but I just don't know what else to do right now
He just fingered me to the Lion King soundtrack. And when he left he turned dramatically and said "I'll be back after work. Be prepared." Taint ALL the childhood memories.
I may hire someone just to sell my family the drugs they keep asking me for. It's cutting into my doing drugs time.
I was going through my mom's stuff to find her xanax, and I found her vibrators instead. Plural. That is like the opposite of what I wanted.
lonely sunday drunk me decided to tweeze my pubes. HORRIBLE IDEA
What the hell man, you basically stole my girlfriend with a bucket of KFC.
We met up and made out in front of an empanada spot, if that's not romance then idk what is.
Asking me to suck on my nipples isn't going to make me less mad at you.
You can say goodbye to our security deposit.
Already? What he do?
Opened a bag of topsoil at the party and spread it all over the living room. TOPSOIL!
You are currently doing Harry Potter spells with the turkey-baster...
Maybe those shots of hot dog water wasn’t a good idea after killing a fifth of tequila.. but who’s askin
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