I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
i waited two years for her to sleep with me. it just didnt seem worth it.
she lost her virginity three hours after you dumped her.
are you serious?
god, you should never be in the FBI. you'd give away america's secrets to any boy who asked.
Thursdays are my worst days
but now we sippin champagne when we thirstay?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I can totally hide my daquiri in my sling.
My drug dealer is spending the weekend in my studio apartment. I feel like I've crossed a line that should never be crossed.
I hope you realize, I'm counting on you as my wingman next semester. It's your turn to advertise another man's penis. I did my tour all freshman year.
thats it. im teaching my cat how to use a fire alarm
First Thanksgiving as a grown up: My step dad had to take my brother (who still smells like booze) and I both to our cars this morning, apparently we were at the same bars (same stamps), & I think I broke my elbow. Im thankful to be alive & not incarcerated.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
doing shots of $6 a bottle whiskey and chasing it with milk. my own personal way of saying fuck life.
If I have to go to the hospital, at least put my pants back on. It's been a fantastic night.
You know you're fucked up when you decide to pour fireball whiskey in your vegetable beef soup
I can't believe I came last night staring into my profile pictures eyes.
Im sorry for telling you id rather jump into traffic than date you again. I didnt mean to be so rude
No. No. Fuck you! You can do your own grocery shopping.
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