phil was outside the bar last night, sitting on the ground playing songs on a guitar hero guitar to people walking by for money...best version of free bird ever
Remember when we did the egg drop from the Dyson building? Her vag is like that, except with a ham, and the ham doesn't make it. I'll be back to the apartment in ten.
yes he's amazing in bed. he made me like, black out. everything went black it was weird. so yes, i'd fuck him again. plus, he has every season of buffy on dvd
I've heard so many rumors about me being taken home in an ambulance I'm starting to believe them.
We're the only two others left at work. My internal monologue is going: TAKE ME. TAKE ME NOWW. ON THE COUNTER. IN FRONT OF THE MANAGER. JUST TAKE MEEE
holy shit thats the most artistic dick pic ever
No like you fell onto the fence. I don't even know how you got into the fenced in area.
Can I just say I love that you have a kegorator on your wedding registry?
lets do drugs on my lunch break tomorrow
Now we're discussing the sex we had and the later lack thereof. It's like marriage counseling via snapchat.
I spilled wine on my pillowcase and I figure it's basically my lifeblood so I'm just leaving it
I don't like pregnant me. I eat very large burritos, I don't like having sex and I can't even finish a Blue Moon.
He's throwing Skittles into my cleavage and some are rebounding into my crouch.
Well he's scoring either way then.
Our faces when the strip club was closed looked like the grinch just stole Christmas ☹️
If I had a dollar for every functioning brain cell you had I would owe someone a lot of money
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