mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
exactly what part of this weekend seemed like a good idea?
Haha im about to meet my shrink &i have so much shit to tell him i made an outline
I love seeing you outside of a bar. It's like seeing a dog walk on its hind legs
No, we have matured. We've stopped having sex in front if his room mate.
Hunting for men at chipotle... I feel like I should be more disappointed that this is the way my life is going but I'm really just excited for the potential.
Ok so in the last 18 months I have now driven four different dudes into counseling. I'm like heroin with a vagina.
shes on the ground doing bicycle kicks screaming "is my ass good enough for you now satan" send help
Haha ohman remember when I peed in your blender? Gotta love college.
YOU DID WHAT???
I am thankful for thumbs.
Because without thumbs, we would be dolphins.
Land dolphins.
a guy just walked through our campsite, crouched down by the truck, screamed "ACID ONLY LASTS FOR 8 HOURS RIGHT?!", then ran off into the bushes
Started crying to "that's the way it is" by celine. What the fuck uterus?!
On your day off do you wanna get wine drunk and take a few episodes of Jerry Springer way too seriously with me?
I'm naked and there are two trees and a yield sign
Be right there
Y'all let us switch shirts in the middle of 200 people....why did you let me get this drunk by noon?
Randomize
