I'm just that much of a man that I can watch Ellen and Oprah back to back and still like girls.
i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
my mom just asked me, concerned, if I swallowed.
This is the guy who showed up to the first day of class with a 24 pack of coke and a handle of rum in his backpack. He doesnt play by normal people rules.
Sorry for screaming that you were an apple in spanish at the bar last night, that was the wine talking
all time personal low: room service guy going "You want french fries AND onion rings???"
I heard him crying and I heard him listening to porn... I'm hoping to God they weren't at the same time.
Talking to friends parents while buying all the things needed for Jell-O shots. classic
as he was fingering me, all I was thinking about was how lucky his girlfriend is...
Who says there aren't gentlemen anymore? My one night stand warmed up my car for me
We just banged and he's microwaving shrimp noodles and I'm eating tostitos alone in the dark this is why our relationship works
Isn't it funny how we're still best friends after that incident with the old lady in the bathroom
You fucking bailed on me. But I love you still
it was all good until mid make out when he announced 'i just came'. ...he wasn't joking.
he came with me to get plan b but they didn't have any. when I started crying he said "come on it's not that bad.. ill go get sandwiches from the vending machine and we'll have our first meal together as a family"
we woke up when the front wall of the house caught fire.
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