My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
I can't finish this paper in my room because every time I get distracted I start masterbating. I think it's time to go to the library...
She put her phone in her underwear and it somehow managed to work it's way into her vagina. she has a BLACKBERRY.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You said your dick dragged you up the stairs
After doing lines off my chest, she said, "do you even know how fast I could suck your cock right now?!!" and her friend said, "yea she totally could".
Why is there a blood-covered "sorry about your stuff" note stapled to my door?
Single person behavior: I wanted a cookie but was too lazy to make or go buy any, so I let cookie dough ice cream melt and ate all the chunks. Pantsless.
once again, we need to groom him to be a better human being. using liquor and tits.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
That last minute feeling of hesitation on whether I should bring my health card to the bar usually means I'm in for a good night.
My phone autocorrects "pooping" to "popping" and I'm like DO YOU EVEN KNOW ME??!
No one parties "Full Karen". She once broke a couple up at the bar, ate the girl out in the bathroom and took the guy home.
You fell asleep on the toilet and he was like uh should I take her off?
Of course, you have to give the courtesy text like last night when I told you my dick was gonna smell like peppermint
My Easter dress smells like alcohol, men, and bad decisions
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