sometime during the course of last night, i decided to get donuts for this morning. i'm a fucking genius when i smoke.
Come here. I'm drunk. Family Function. Intense Pro-life vs. Pro-choice debate. Bring Republicans.
I am sleeping on the floor in your room so if you have sex in here just don't roll on me
hahaha! you have a girlfriend
tell that to the new girl at work who i screwed on the washing machine today...
Honestly dude, i think you should ignore the restraining order if you really love her.
I know now the amount of smoke it takes to set off the fire alarm....no longer worried about using the bong...not even close
As girls, Bert & Ernie are not very bangable costumes. At least not by who we'd want to get banged by.
I was kidding. But I promise you I'd still find us the most eligible bangables, even if we dressed up like a dumpster and a prom night baby.
The problem with never associating with your roommate is that you never know if they're dead in their room with the door closed or just gone for the weekend...I sprayed some febreeze just in case.
On 3 separate occasions, she grabbed my bullhorn to announce to the entire party she had fucked me.
Holy shit, you lost your virginity on 11/11/11. Now every time someone fucks you, they can make a wish. Your vagina has officially been transformed into a wishing well.
You overflowed the toilet cuz you tried to flush apples. you said they were singing too loudly
it's gotten to the point where there are no existing good choices. even our good choices are bad choice by anyone's standards but ours.
I also tried to solve my dog's itching problem with crystal healing. I'm so high, dude.
I just rubbed amethyst all over him and kept saying 'no bites.'
You're seeing with your vagina, not your eyes.
PICK ME UP NOW I THINK THIS MOTEL IS A CRIME SCENE. also congrats on your engagement i saw the post on my phone while i was climbing out the window
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