Question: does he have any sense of self image? He looks slightly like he crawled out of the Euphrates after living as a fish for 20 years
So I was throwing up in this fancy toilet at a party last night, when he decided it would be funny to flush it. It was a beday. I had to walk out with toilet water and regurgitated rumpleminze all over my face and shirt.
I tried to throw up out of my window but I forgot there was a mesh screen.
He was streaking. We were hammered. We had roman candles. It only made sense to shoot them at him.
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Oh you're gonna love this story. I almost cut off a little girl's pony tail.
The only thing worse than being arrested is the fact the cop confiscated my green dinosaur costume.
If I interpreted our horoscopes correctly...you should be coming home with an 8 ball. Just saying.
I'm responsible for my client's overall well-being. Which is terrifying coming from someone that can't stop masturbating and eats leftover pizza just about everyday.
So far in the last ten minutes I have tried to pour cereal into a plate. Today's gonna be a great day.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Sorry. Not doing life today. Love to. But can't.
We just banged and he's microwaving shrimp noodles and I'm eating tostitos alone in the dark this is why our relationship works
I gave him morning sex, a bag of cookies, and dropped him off at work. I believe I deserve the "best hookup award."
Things that happen while I poop: I start dating someone
Guy from the bar last night left his number on my waterbill on the counter, at the bottom he put don't forget I can hook you up at Little Caesars I work their part time.
You sure know how to pick em.
First walk of shame in 18 years. Divorce is going well.
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