I had a bacon mcgriddle for the first time today. It was like eating a baby angel.
I want to make a porn site called "girls with daddy issues"
i'm in workout clothes. this is progress.
i officially have more pictures of his dick than pictures of us together
Um, so I couldn't say it in person, but if you find my underwear in your office. Sorry. I couldn't find them, so yea.
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
She's popping painkillers like they're tic tacs and singing the soundtrack to dreamgirls. It's you're turn to babysit her.
Nothing says never again like hurling in the shower.
It's a gay bachelor party, it's not like dignity is to be expected
So in my DUI class I had to write down 3 people I'd call if I needed to talk and why...they all want to meet you now...
We poured all the Fireball on the Slip and Slide and long story short I have two black eyes.
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
Okay, yeah, judgmental guy at 7/11. I'm buying g wine at 10:20 in the morning. You wanna fight about it?
He was trying to break into my apartment to get the coke he left last night, didn't engage parking break, so the van started rolling. yup, it's broken.
All I remember thinking is, why the fuck are there martians on the ceiling? And they were riding fruit. Like strawberries and shit.
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