i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
I just watched a video of Justin Bieber kissing a girl..... the sad thing is that I actually got upset.
She tried to escape and she fell and hit the door. She's gunna freak when she wakes up with only half a tooth.
The moment that kid turns 18, I will have his sperm for all three meals.
Oh God. You're going to jail
What color suit is the proper "i banged the bride" attire?
My neighbor Chris is here. I am warning you, he is wearing a kilt I just saw his balls. Be incredibly careful that you don't see what I did.
If for no other reason than to cuddle with that puppy, you have to hook up with him again.
I'll just have to do enough fangirling for the both of us. Nipples engaged.
Now I'm obligated to stay and cuddle with her because the condom broke. Fuck.
I'll text you later. I think she thinks we're taking this whole "no sex" thing seriously.
Crying on the toilet and taking a shit. This is what being an adult is about
I really don't know where my pants are, but that's not the problem. When are you going to unlock the door?
We never leave a bad bitch behind. its a party foul..we'll find you somehow
We had everything under control until this one jackass fucked up. Thanks, Peter.
my grocery list today consisted of condoms. and butter.
umm... whats the butter for?
Randomize
