i just googled "what is oprah really like?" how do YOU think my night is going?
an ex called crying about her current BF. convo ended in phone sex. i love emotional wrecks
Its piss that you smell... I borrowed that shirt last week. Sooo, wanna grab some laundry soap on your way home? And good luck on your date.
Dude, she literally stopped, mid fuck said "I want soup" got off my dick and make top ramen.
coming from the girl bound and determined to pee in the snow
why would you restrict a girl of that
the taxi driver actually pulled over to let us moon a house full of people
Wheres my "thanks for using birth control effectively and not contributing to the downfall of society" card.
I pulled my bra out of my dress and handed it to my mom..at cocktail hour during the wedding.
I feel like everyone would be happy with that as a present too. "Oh you got me pussy for Christmas?! How'd you know?!"
I just stood up and am wasted. I think I just admitted to my mom that I am trying to fuck everyone in New York because they're skinny and ethnically ambiguous. Meanwhile, happy hour isn't over yet.
Anddon't worry about me I have my Darth Vader flashlight
I'm gonna hop on that dick and ride it into the sunset
I'm still, like... really stoked about not having any STDs
All I remember is receiving a lap dance to slow motion.
Not saying I'm a lesbian. Just saying that every time she walks by I wanna scissor her
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