shit! I think I may have lost something in your car. Look for anything that can possibly belong to me, especially look out for a pair of pink panties in a ziplock. I lost my spare and you better find it before someone else does.
sometimes I tug on my anal hairs for pleasure
you've officially gone too far. we are no longer friends
When you're about to leave, tell him "bye." At that point, he should say something. If he doesn't say anything, well, our drinks were free and he gets a free make out with yours truly.
She forgot my birthday again. How do you forget something that came out of your vagina???
There is so much to learn about oneself from autofill.
a guy tried paying for lapdances with cds, who uses those anymore?
He poured the shots. We did them together. I cheersd him out of the shower
Dude he did say "let's go cougar hunting" and you KNEW your mom was going out last night...so it's kind of your own fault for not coming
I'm still drunk. I put on workout clothes this morning and just puked in my bathroom. That's the same as going to the gym, right?
Yup. Dog walker, house sitter and mistress to the rich, bored and bi-curious. I've got a nice little operation running.
She's like the Oprah of therapy. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. WITH A PADDED ROOOOM
Trying to Jedi mind trick myself into not throwing up. This is not the esophagus you are looking for.
Threw up in hyvee parking lot. Thanksgiving shopping complete.
After we banged he volunteered to ducksit while I went to work. I think that's true love.
I have mystery bruises on my right knee, right arm, under my chin, and on my forehead. What the fuck happened last night??
Randomize
