Do I need to let your sister outside to go pee or anything before I leave?
I just need someone to hold me and tell me i dont turn boys gay
There is a mermaid on oprah and she looks nothin like ariel
Mac n' cheese is coming out of my nose. You can't make that feel better
I just want a better ending for myself. Not walking around with one sock on and my bush hanging out.
you're the best thing to happen to me. closely followed by learning to ejaculate, and drugs.
the problem with open bar is i never know what to get
did you really just start a sentence with "the problem with open bar is..."
U asked everyone for their hoodies so u could "safely hug the cactus"
Now that we have successfully procreated, I need to know we are on the same page. Please tell me you are aware that there are whole seasons of our lives that our child can NEVER be made privy to.
We should probably write this down. That's a shit load of shit.
i told her i loved her afterwards and she said "i know," kissed me, and got up to start making breakfast.
dude, she han solo'd you. keep her.
I thought my broken hand would put a damper on Halloween, but fake costume eyelashes and hydrocodone are kinda fun at the same time.
You showed me your butthole that's like a mating call in other species
We're at an agreement where I don't pry and she pretends blissful ignorance
He went down on me while I was on the phone with my grandma.
Walk of shame through Chipotle? Check.
Randomize
