I puked in a mailbox on the way back from your house.
oh no you fucking didn't eat my mac and cheese you cunt
Just thought you should know that we coat checked our fairy wings last night. Getting belly up to the bar was way more important that wearing our costumes.
The cab driver is now flexing at a red light...
Fuck underwear. Let's get stoned and eat ravioli.
I think I'm leaving the streamers and balloons up from 4th of july till after he stops by. It'll be like the universe is celebrating his massive dick.
It was like we had a conversation with our eyes.
Was it a good conversation?
It was an awkward, sexual conversation.
Pulled over to puke on the way to sign closing papers on the house...Good sign of responsibility.
Do you have pictures of my pancakes
I need to show the world
They are the pancake equivalent of eventual wife
We just stood outside and debated the existence of mermaids for about 20 min. Is this what too drunk is?
You just get me
I'm the wind beneath your wings, bitch
My husband gave me a key to his house. I thinks this means we're getting kinda serious.
Lynn just told me "I heard about your divorce. Condoms or morning pill your choice and I'm buying". Sorry but I got plans now bro.
He fucked me so hard my hair extensions fell out
It's confirmed. I have two dates on Saturday, and they are both named Mike.
Randomize
